Machine gun kitty clearly demonstrates what should happen to all rude movie patrons, before they descend to...?? Hmm, where should they go??
...What say you, Book?:
I have to vent for a minute, here.
I don't understand some people. I really don't. What happened to manners? Basic polite behavior? Are people so entitled these days, that they really do not care how they negatively effect others, anymore? ...And I answer my own question.
For many, NO.
How pathetic do you have to be that you only find amusement in disrupting the enjoyment of others, instead of I don't know, paying attention to the movie you paid almost 20$ for?!?
Hey, knuckle-heads. It's not cool. It's selfish, sad, and rude, as hell.
So, without further adieu, here are my...:
7 DEADLY MOVIEGOING SINS
...USUALLY ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS, YOU CAN FIGURE OUT YOUR-DAMN-SELF IF YOU PAID ATTENTION TO THE MOVIE, INSTEAD OF ASKING LOUD-ASS QUESTIONS
She killed Yvette because she talked in the theater.If you can't follow the action, please, either stay your ass home or WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, so you can figure out the answers on your own.
You have deductive skills. Don't be lazy and disruptive. USE THEM.
I know, I know...It's hurts your brain. That's normal. It's not used to all that work. You'll get used to it and you'll reap the added benefit of no longer harming others with your stupid.
And then there are the repeaters...
You know, who I'm talking about. The ones, who have to recap everything WE ALL JUST SAW, for I really do. not. know. what reason.
Someone enlighten me, please? W.T.H. is wrong with these people?!
ADDENDUM: The talking rule does not apply to a crappy film, wherein talking actually ENHANCES the movie-going experience. But if it's not The Mummy: The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor? Keep your trap shut.
BRINGING AN IRRITABLE BABY OR A CHATTY KID
Having kids means sacrifice. It means shelling out extra money for a sitter, teaching your child how to behave in a theater and/or waiting to NetFlix.It doesn't mean you bring your loud, bad-ass, kid to an R-Rated film YOU WANTED to see, because you don't give two shits about preserving your kid's innocence or the enjoyment of other patrons in the theater, YOU UNBELIEVABLE ASSHOLE.
Now, I have to admit, I've been to some theaters where folks brought a quiet baby. Or a well-behaved kid. That, I really have no problem with.
But if your kid gets scared at R-rated horror?? Don't be sadistic and bring them anyway. If movies don't make your baby sleepy?? Don't be sadistic and bring it anyway.
If you know your kids act like they just had a full bowl of sugar-puffs with pixie stix sprinkled on top, DON'T BE SADISTIC AND BRING THEM, ANYWAY.
TALKING ON YOUR CELLPHONE
So, you decided to spend upwards of 20$ extra dollars to talk on the phone,
during a movie you paid to SEE, huh?What kind of idiot are you? Are you more determined to look like an asshole, than you are intent on enjoying the movie you paid for??
W.T.F?! is your malfunction?
What you have to say can either wait or be said outside of the damn theater.
That's what the vibrate function is for. If you can leave to use the bathroom or get popcorn, you can do the same to talk on the phone.
It's not rocket science.
KICKING THE CHAIR
Look, I have long legs... I understand the limited leg-room thing. I also understand it happens accidentally sometimes.
But the rhythmic knocking? The adjusting every two minutes, so my chair buckles and you can actually hear and feel the kick, even after I politely asked you not to do that?
Well, now, you're just being a dick.
STOP.
SITTING UP TOO HIGH
Thank God, for stadium seating!
CHECKING YOUR TEXTS/TIME/GENERALLY FLASHING THAT DAYGLO-BLINDING-BRIGHTNESS
This is by far the most common asshole-move, I've seen.I can understand checking the clock. Maybe, you have to be somewhere, and you underestimated the length of the movie...BUT is it really that difficult to, COVER THAT SHIT with your cupped hand!?
That's right, check to your hearts' content, just cup your hand over the phone, so all three-hundred people sitting behind you don't end up distracted and half-blind.
This is not a Foo-Fighters concert, people. It's a MOVIE. Act accordingly.
I don't understand either, Miss Stacy.It always happens during the good part. Some oblivious, or jerky idiot strolls in from the bathroom and ever-so-slowly creeps past the people in his row, standing tall, in front of some key action.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Next time, wait for the good part to die down and then sit down in your row.
So, now that you know what not to do in a theater, don't be that asshole. ...And if you are that asshole, and you got all butt-hurt over this post??
...Say it with me, Audrey II!
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21 comments:
Amen! I've got another one:
If you're going to the 7:00 pm show of a movie on opening night which you know is going to be huge, do not wait until 6:57 to drag your lazy ass in and then get mad when you can't find 10 seats for your and your dumbass lazy friends to sit together. Everyone else got there on time to get a good seat and nobody wants to hear your dumbass bitch about it.
This has been a problem at my local theater lately.
@rachel
AHH!!
YES!! Those people suck! Know that if you get there right before the movie starts and it's popular, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND SEATS NEXT TO YOUR FIFTY FRIENDS.
That can totally piggy-back off the lingering in front of the good part people.
I really should have included that one.
Great piece!!!
I'm continually amazed by the people who show up ten minutes before showtime on opening weekend and act surprised that the theatre is full.
I can handle an LCD lighting up...but only once per flick. Anything more than that and I'm ready to stick that phone where the sun don't shine.
As for the talking, I'm completely convinced that home theatres have destroyed peoples' understanding of how to act in a public screening. It's bad at movies, it can be even worse at live theatre.
@mad hatter
Dude,
I've seen people stare at their LCD screens for upwards of TEN MINUTES at a time.
I mean, WTF?!?!
And naw, I don't blame the home theater experience, because I have family and friends who get yolked up for talking and acting a fool, THERE, too.
I honestly think it's a matter of entitled-stupid.
A-Frikkin Men.
By the by I gave your blog a plug on my LJ. Hopefully that'll bring some readers your way.
-Neo_Prodigy
Excellent caption work. Unleash the fury!
Speaking of kids at movies, my friend Adam had a great post about that on his blog. he saw a 3 year old at "Wanted". Had some questions.
http://www.imnotfeelingverycreativerightnow.blogspot.com
Made me go "hmm..."
brava! bonus points for invoking mrs. white.
I have a friend who used to bring her baby (when he was around 6 mos) to the movies... but she did it at afternoon matinees, picking showtimes that were closest to naptime. I don't know how/why it worked, but he would take a bottle during the previews and be out like a light for the duration.
My peeve is people who've had to get up and go to the restroom and then climb all over everyone during some pivotal scene, in getting back to their seats. I appreciate miscalculating how much of that vat of cola a body can handle, just use a little sense in coming back!
Oh, and as a newbie to DC, Mazza is my fave theatre so far for cleanliness, general teen-freeness, and updated theatres. I think the lack of child-directed shopping there helps.
Yep, you got them all. I also have a problem with people who constantly eat and rattle bags during the movie. It doesn't help that I live in the most obese state in the Nation.
Good post, but what's wrong with people sitting high up? Doesn't bother you.
@neo
woah. Thanks. ;)
@fletch
Gracias, I do consider captions to be my "speciality", even when they're only funny to me. ;)
@pbrite
Saw that post and loved his perspective, even though I really didn't agree with his solution.
One size don't fit all.
@J.J.
*tips a 40 to Madeline Kahn's memory*
@spidersweb
Mazza Gallerie IS the best theater in DC for adults (but only in the adults only lounge, IMO).
I mention that in the Ultimate Guide to DC Theaters post, listed in the notable posts section.
The Landmark runs a close second.
@Jason
*raises hand*
I'm one of those people who sneaks bagged food into the movies. What can I say? I'm cheap.
Actually, I'm not that bad. I wait until stuff gets loud to rattle the bags or do it during the before-movie-trivia-slides.
@will
Oh, har, har. :D
Yes, I'm a tall lanky chick, but that don't mean I am impervious.
I think Yao Ming sat in front of me, once.
Like I said, thank God for stadium seating.
Love the Madeline Kahn reference.
Over on Glarkware.com, they have movie theater cards that you can hand out to offensive persons stating, pretty much, why they're a jerk.
The only thing I've had experience with in a movie theater that wasn't on the list was an adult in front of me abusing their toddler during the movie - I'm talking slapping, picking the kid up and throwing them into the seat, pinching the kid, and yanking the kid by the arm so hard I thought the parent was going to dislocate the kid's arm.
@caitlin
Oh, I have a REAL PROBLEM with anyone abusing kids.
I don't keep silent, when I see that shit.
Screw that "mind your business" b.s., IT TAKES A VILLAGE.
Re: BRINGING AN IRRITABLE BABY OR A CHATTY KID
I've always thought the latest possible show of animated movies should be exclusively reserved for adults who wish to watch a critically acclaimed movie (i.e. "Wall-E") but not have their ears talked off by a clueless five-year-old or have the tender moments of silent robot romance ruined by a wailing 6-month-old.
@Screen Savour
Or barring that, AT least require parents who know how to parent.
I've brought kids to a few movies, one aged 6.
I coached them. I said, if you dislike it, let me know, we'll leave. If you act a fool during the movie? We'll leave.
Both options I stick to and I always have very well-behaved kids.
The key is ALWAYS being true to your word.
Ms. Go: Management was called on that parent. I felt awful for the poor kid. I got up, left the theater, hunted down a manager and he removed them from the theater. When I left, there were several cop cars parked in front of the theater for her.
Apparently, myself and about five other patrons complained, and it was not the first time this lady had been caught pretty much beating the shit out of her own child in the theater.
I can't even remember what movie we were seeing, but it was something grossly inappropriate for a kid, that much I do remember.
@caitlin
I truly hope the child ended up with someone with the patience and love they deserve.
And good on you and those other people for speaking up.
Forget the special hell, those who beat kids should go UNDER it.
Phantastic. I had list of ten of my own last September, but, as usual, nothing compares to your visuals here. The kitty kills!
You've hit almost all of mine, but there is one major one on my list you missed. Unless the theater is packed, PLEASE don't sit right in front of me. I HATE going to the movies and there only being about 10 people in the whole theater and someone has to sit directly in front of me. Usually they also talk and text during the movie. Just rude!
I once had someone texting SO much that it messed up my eyes. We moved to the other side of the theater but it took about 15 minutes before I could get my right eye to adjust back to the screen correctly. That was the strangest feeling!
Love this piece. It vents just the right amount of venom against these unmitigated assholes. And I agree: checking your phone for texts or what have you is now the #1 dickwad movie move.
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