HAMLET 2

Here’s the thing about Hamlet 2. I think your enjoyment of this film will hinge upon whether or not you find Steve’s manic depressive antics funny. If you don’t, you'll hate this, because it's all him, in the same way a Jim Carrey film is all Jim Carrey (whose antics I now loathe)...

The stuffy E Street audience wasn't laughing nearly as much as I thought they should at Mr. Steve, but even I have to admit the pantless joke was run into the ground.

I personally found him hilarious and am now crushing hard on the man.

The beginning of this movie gives Tropic Thunder’s beginning a run for the money. In fact, it easily bests it, in my opinion. I laughed so hard, I hurt myself, y’all.

Then it gets uneven in the laugh department, lessening significantly as the movie runs its course.

Still the film is very energetic in a way that draws you along, despite the thin characters and thinner laughs late in the game. None of the students made an impact, except Skyler Astin, whose enthused jog near the beginning had me rolling; and Catherine Keener, of course, who is her regular, affably funny self.

The music wasn’t as good as the hype machine would have you believe. "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" wasn’t all that, but the first song performed in the musical was awesome. Also, for all the talk about how torrid and risque the musical was, the final product left me wanting in that department...except for that first song.

This is easily one for "the every time it comes on cable, the remote will stop surfing" pile. If you're the type who loves these kinds of movies (vulgar, Brit, slapstick, served with a big cheesy smile) then you'll love this.

I am that type and therefore I loved this movie.

It gets the , for the rest of y’all, though.


PARENTS: It’s all language. Nothing vulgar is shown, except for a blur of a frontal and a naked booty. I think the teens are good to go.

DCMOVIEGIRL'S FALL/WINTER MOVIE PREDICTIONS

Remember that time and energy, I have so little of these days?
Well, this is the result. This is my abbreviated Fall/Winter movie prediction list.

I can see the future so clearly, y'all... *looks into crystal ball*

Yes, it's coming through, right now:

THE WOMEN - *gasp!* So bad...So, So horrifyingly bad...

AUSTRALIA - I see Far and Away part 2, with a bigger budget...

EAGLE EYE - I see audiences across the country, distracted by Shia's youthful Shia-ness, convincing no one he's a "business man" in a movie that makes absolutely no sense and yet.... it will still somehow, be entertaining...

APPALOOSA - I see a badass western, that no one will see...

BURN AFTER READING - Frances MacDormand will sarcastically quip, Brad Pitt's head will comically wag, John Goodman will sneer, in another Coentastical wonder.

BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA - I see an abomination of a movie made by Satan himself.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON - Projectors across the country will melt from combined Cate Blanchett/Tilda Swinton ferociousness...

THE QUANTUM OF SOLACE - Daniel Craig will once again, kick ass and take names...

MIRACLE AT ST. ANNA - I see a man riding on a dolly, during a contemplative walk...

THE SPIRIT - It will be the stupid, sexist, and self-derivative vanity project, everyone thinks it is...

TWILIGHT - Many will laugh uproariously at the bad wigs and cheese...

guaranteed awesomely bad, y'all
this is what I'll look like, watching Twilight...minus the 80's jacket, jheri curl,
and being michael jackson, of course

THE DUCHESS - Kiera Knightley's flinty jawline and boy-chest will jut with much delicious attitude and pomp...

LAKEVIEW TERRACE - Samuel L. Jackson will be the best part of a crap movie...

TYLER PERRY'S THE FAMILY THAT PREYS - Tyler Perry will once again convince no one he's straight in a trite soap operatic drama...

RELIGULOUS - I see stupid fundies protesting, lending more controversy and therefore ticket sales to this pot-kettle of a movie...That will STILL rock my socks.

GHOST TOWN - I see a middling movie that wishes it were Heart and Souls...

THE SECRET LIVES OF BEES - *rubs head* I see four Magical Negresses...

ROCK'N'ROLLA - It will try way too hard to be cool...

W - I see so many guilty Bush-voters shaking their heads, in amazement at their own stupidity...

CITY OF EMBER - *puts down the crystal ball for second to wonder why this hasn't gotten any buzz* Bill Murray, Marianne Jean-Baptiste, and Tim Robbins in a grimy steam-punkish, post-apocalyptic, kids' fantasy adventure??!! YES PLEASE!! *picks the crystal ball up, again*

BODY OF LIES - I see a taut thriller with much serious brow-furrowing included.

NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST - I see two disaffected young people with monotone voices, pretending not to be in love....

MAX PAYNE - I see another video game movie following the rule: no video game movie shall ever be good...

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 - I see the strange, warped minds of tweens eating this crap up, to mind-bogglingly, high box office receipts...

*puts the crystal ball down*

Yes, I know there are still many to see, but I must rest my weary senses. If you have a film you want me to check my crystal ball for, feel free submit them in a comment.

...Oh, and Warner Bros?? F&^& you VERY MUCH for moving Harry Potter up to the Summer.

BTW, I'll be posting all new posts here and at the new homestead, for a while.

A QUICKIE

I'm just letting you know, I haven't forgotten you. I've just been verra', verra', busy.

Seeing as NOTHING of interest is in playing at the movies right now, that upcoming post will be about Fall/Winter movies; what will be crap, what looks good, what looks like good crap, etc...

Well, I still might see Hamlet 2 or Man on Wire at E Street on Sunday. If so, look for a review on one of those, then.

Oh, and RIP Julius Carry.



He'll always be the baddest and the prettiest. :(

Thanks, for passing your gun along to Zoe. <---If you got that, let's be friends!

ARRGH &%^#! BLOGGER!

I am REALLY going to have to expedite my move to wordpress, because blogger sucks ass.
Too those who've been scratching their heads over the strange changes in the site?

Yeah.

Frustrations abound. Look for an official clickable banner and such, very soon.

I'm also compiling another list post. So, look for that some time this week.

Thanks, for your continued patience, people.

TROPIC THUNDER

Well, it was neither that funny, nor that bad...At least to this sleepy, non-morning person, who attended an early showing. All of fifteen other people were in the audience, so I can't really judge crowd reactions on this one.

Problematic racial and disability ickiness, aside, it was all right.

I chuckled pretty consistently throughout, but three parts, in particular, got my loud annoying laugh, snorting included. As always, I will not divulge what those parts are, here.

That much talked-about cameo, that should have been funny, scared the crap out of me, instead....The arms and hands, y'all, the arms and the hands....*shudder* And please, a white guy hip-hop routine?...That dead horse is dust, now.

On the blackface... Downey, is as expected, very good. He brings the acting skills A-game to the self-important white-guy playing a black guy routine; husky voiced, bug-eyed, toughness included.

...Yes, the joke is on actors like Angelina Jolie, talking out of one side of her mouth about where the black princesses are for her little girl, but still playing The Fox and Mariane Pearl, in all her whiteness. There are however a few issues with methods behind the madness, y'all.

The white guy-in-blackface "cool factor" that has been pushed by the media, since we first heard about this movie, is just as jacked-up as those self-important actors Stiller lampoons. The fact that the "real black guy" did a lackluster job doesn't help matters, either (in a role lampooning the taking of yet another acting job from real black actors' hands).

It's the reason why Chappelle quit, y'all. Folks were laughing at the shuffling and not the joke that shuffling is. Such is the case, here. Most of America just ain't there enough to get it, yet. That goes for the joke on able-bodied actors taking on special roles to Oscar accolades, as well.

I can already see many a baseball-capped college guy doing their best "Black Downey Jr." and Simple Jack impersonations. Yuck.

So, yes there are laughs here, but what was meant to be funny gets muddled, in translation. The cartoonishness of the "real" stereotypical locations and people, juxtaposed with all this doesn't help matters, either.

Still, it gets the from me.

Funny counts for a lot... And I did like the idea. If only the idea had been handled by more capable hands.


PARENTS: There are graphically-depicted war scenes and effects. It's definitely not for kiddies.

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2

I hate to say it, but Sisterhood 2 sucks, y'all. And you know how much I've been looking forward to it.

The first Sisterhood was seriously slept-on. It was this little gem of a film, that did almost everything right for the "real" girls, out there. From showing realistic life-challenges, to dealing with them in a smart, entertaining way, it was definitely one of my favorite chick-flicks from recent years. In an era when make-over movies *cough*housebunny*cough* pass for girl-power affirmation, that is rare indeed.

This second installment is a meandering mess of a movie. I was bored silly. The four young leads do what they can, but the material just doesn't support them.

Everything that was great about the first film was put by the wayside in the sequel. Gone is the light humor and the refreshingly plausible resolutions to teen challenges.

In it's place? We have a plodding series of story lines, the blandest male-leads I have seen in a good long while, unresolved plot lines, and clichéd, soap opera-like twists. We have "overheard gossip", the mean girl, the love triangle, and of course, the shy-girl/cute boy storyline. None, I would mind if they were executed in a way that was at least, interesting.

The writing isn't the only issue here. This movie is molasses slow.

Sanaa Hamri is a director I am really rooting for. She's one of the few black female directors working in Hollywood, but she really has no clue how to do dramatic pauses (beats). They were just placed at the weirdest places in the film, stalling the already slow pace. Pants 2 could've easily been ninety minutes instead of the looong two hours it was, if only a few of the those awkward beats had been taken out.

And the guy pictured above? ...Is a classic demonstration of the old adage 'beauty is only skin-deep' (Tom Wisdom, sorry man). He was bland, about as deep as puddle, and one-note. Therefore, he was eye-rollingly annoying, every time he opened his mouth, and not the least bit attractive to me.

On the good side, it was nice to see a non-asexual Asian man (Leonardo Nam) in an American film, FINALLY!! And he happened to be one of the more interesting guys in the movie.

So, I'm stuck between this and this . It was good to see the girls reunited again, but the Pants 2 let them down.

PARENTS: It's directed at teen girls, so the issues are relevant to them, including a few that are sexual in nature. If you thought the first one was appropriate for your young people, this one should be fine too.

DEATH. STOP IT.

Hat-tips to Ms. Cleolinda over in lj-land, because I'm totally ganking her style (and some of her links too), right here:

Bernie Mac dead... Paul Newman, dying WTF's all around on this one. :( Death, man I think you been working too hard this year.

V: The Movie remake early script review Y'all don't understand, that was my 'ish, when I was kid. They better not mess this up.

Here's that article I mentioned in the latest gcast recording, on black actors in costume dramas.

And just a quick note, The Traveling Pants 2 was a disappointment. I will write out the full "review" tomorrow.

I'm too tired to do it tonight, y'all.

But I will say this... As craptastic as the Twilight books are, watching Pants 2 only cemented my belief that Alexis Bledel should've been Bella.


...and Isaac Hayes just died. >:(

GOTDAMMIT!! DEATH, TAKE A NIGHT OFF!!

THE 7 DEADLY (I WISH, DAMMIT) MOVIEGOING SINS

WARNING: This post contains an excess of bolded-capitalized expletives and dcmoviegirl's unrelenting *hulksmash!* fury

Machine gun kitty clearly demonstrates what should happen to all rude movie patrons, before they descend to...?? Hmm, where should they go??

...What say you, Book?:

I have to vent for a minute, here.

I don't understand some people. I really don't. What happened to manners? Basic polite behavior? Are people so entitled these days, that they really do not care how they negatively effect others, anymore? ...And I answer my own question.

For many, NO.

How pathetic do you have to be that you only find amusement in disrupting the enjoyment of others, instead of I don't know, paying attention to the movie you paid almost 20$ for?!?

Hey, knuckle-heads. It's not cool. It's selfish, sad, and rude, as hell.

So, without further adieu, here are my...:

7 DEADLY MOVIEGOING SINS

TALKING.

...USUALLY ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS, YOU CAN FIGURE OUT YOUR-DAMN-SELF IF YOU PAID ATTENTION TO THE MOVIE, INSTEAD OF ASKING LOUD-ASS QUESTIONS

She killed Yvette because she talked in the theater.

If you can't follow the action, please, either stay your ass home or WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, so you can figure out the answers on your own.

You have deductive skills. Don't be lazy and disruptive. USE THEM.

I know, I know...It's hurts your brain. That's normal. It's not used to all that work. You'll get used to it and you'll reap the added benefit of no longer harming others with your stupid.

And then there are the repeaters...

You know, who I'm talking about. The ones, who have to recap everything WE ALL JUST SAW, for I really do. not. know. what reason.

Someone enlighten me, please? W.T.H. is wrong with these people?!

ADDENDUM: The talking rule does not apply to a crappy film, wherein talking actually ENHANCES the movie-going experience. But if it's not The Mummy: The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor? Keep your trap shut.


BRINGING AN IRRITABLE BABY OR A CHATTY KID

Having kids means sacrifice. It means shelling out extra money for a sitter, teaching your child how to behave in a theater and/or waiting to NetFlix.

It doesn't mean you bring your loud, bad-ass, kid to an R-Rated film YOU WANTED to see, because you don't give two shits about preserving your kid's innocence or the enjoyment of other patrons in the theater, YOU UNBELIEVABLE ASSHOLE.

Now, I have to admit, I've been to some theaters where folks brought a quiet baby. Or a well-behaved kid. That, I really have no problem with.

But if your kid gets scared at R-rated horror?? Don't be sadistic and bring them anyway. If movies don't make your baby sleepy?? Don't be sadistic and bring it anyway.

If you know your kids act like they just had a full bowl of sugar-puffs with pixie stix sprinkled on top, DON'T BE SADISTIC AND BRING THEM, ANYWAY.



TALKING ON YOUR CELLPHONE

So, you decided to spend upwards of 20$ extra dollars to talk on the phone, during a movie you paid to SEE, huh?

What kind of idiot are you? Are you more determined to look like an asshole, than you are intent on enjoying the movie you paid for??

W.T.F?! is your malfunction?

What you have to say can either wait or be said outside of the damn theater.

That's what the vibrate function is for. If you can leave to use the bathroom or get popcorn, you can do the same to talk on the phone.

It's not rocket science.



KICKING THE CHAIR

Look, I have long legs... I understand the limited leg-room thing. I also understand it happens accidentally sometimes.

But the rhythmic knocking? The adjusting every two minutes, so my chair buckles and you can actually hear and feel the kick, even after I politely asked you not to do that?

Well, now, you're just being a dick.

STOP.


SITTING UP TOO HIGH

Thank God, for stadium seating!


CHECKING YOUR TEXTS/TIME/GENERALLY FLASHING THAT DAYGLO-BLINDING-BRIGHTNESS

This is by far the most common asshole-move, I've seen.

I can understand checking the clock. Maybe, you have to be somewhere, and you underestimated the length of the movie...BUT is it really that difficult to, COVER THAT SHIT with your cupped hand!?

That's right, check to your hearts' content, just cup your hand over the phone, so all three-hundred people sitting behind you don't end up distracted and half-blind.

This is not a Foo-Fighters concert, people. It's a MOVIE. Act accordingly.

I don't understand either, Miss Stacy.

STROLLING IN SLOWLY PAST YOUR ROW, IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN DURING THE GOOD PART

It always happens during the good part. Some oblivious, or jerky idiot strolls in from the bathroom and ever-so-slowly creeps past the people in his row, standing tall, in front of some key action.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Next time, wait for the good part to die down and then sit down in your row.

So, now that you know what not to do in a theater, don't be that asshole. ...And if you are that asshole, and you got all butt-hurt over this post??

...Say it with me, Audrey II!

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR

This movie was so awesomely bad, y'all. It's a terribly written story, with random creatures, and horrifically awful filmed fight sequences (which really could've elevated this, if they had been done right).

But I tell you, my friends and I had a BALL at the showing, mocking this movie. It was just so Mystery Science Theater.

It's a bigger budget Sci-Fi channel movie, y'all. It's not one of the completely awful ones, but one of the surprisingly fun ones, that's still pretty stupid. All of the expected clichés are in place, including indestructible heroes being tossed around by the villain, instead of the logical neck snap. ...But of course, if that happened we would have a very short movie.

Let's talk about the fight sequences for a minute, because they really hurt my feelings. How are you gonna have Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li in a movie together and not film their fight right??

...Ultra-close-up.
...With a shaky-ass camera, in slow-motion.

A little advice to filmmakers who probably think the shaky-cam creates a feeling of being knocked off-balance, like you would be, in a fight.

STOP. IT.

Pull the camera back, hold it still, and let us SEE THE DAMN MOVES!! Rob Cohen actually made a Michelle Yeoh/Jet Li fight look bad, by not taking these simple steps.

Say what you will about Stephen Sommers, but that Egyptian fight exhibition flashback, from Mummy 2 was very well-done.

Part of the reason that looked amazing was because THEY PULLED THE CAMERA BACK AND KEPT IT STILL ENOUGH FOR US TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON!!

*whew!*

I'm sorry, but that happens in a lot of movies, and I really, really, hate that.

Two other things also bugged me. The Chinese Red-shirts in the beginning and the expected masculine finish, instead of the feminine one, which would have made more sense and ultimately would have been more satisfying.

...Oh, you'll know what I'm talking about, when you see it on cable. Which is what I advise you to do. Just wait and catch it on cable and then mercilessly heckle it.

= Awesomely...
= Bad.


PARENTS: It has typically edgy/can-be-scary to the younger kiddies, special effects. School-aged kids should be fine with it.

STEPBROTHERS

I really didn't much care for this movie. I'd say 95% of it was painfully straining for a laugh, failing miserably at doing so, while about 5% was pretty damn funny.

Most of that, I think, has to do with the premise. It just wasn't believable to me, even within the warped context of this film. I just could not swallow the idea of these forty year-old guys acting like spoiled 12 year-olds.

Are there immature adults, who still live with their parents?

Yes, but I think it would have been funnier, if they actually acted like those adults. The biggest laughs come from identifying with something you'd usually not admit is truth for fear of embarrassment. In this film? The concept was so out there, there was little to identify with.

Most of it felt like they desperately tossed out the most random and extreme things hoping to catch a laugh. From just cursing in general (just saying f*ck, isn't funny, sorry), to playing dozens with each other. Everything just felt like they were trying too hard. And after awhile, it just felt like a chore to sit through. I couldn't wait for the end. Not a good sign.

I'd say about 20 people in my theater laughed uproariously throughout this movie, with a few folks even clapping at the end, while the rest chuckled a few times and walked out slump-shouldered.

My friend absolutely loved this. So, I say if you can wrap your brain around two twelve year-olds in adult bodies without the aid of Zoltar, then you may like it...but I think you're in the minority.



PARENTS: There are curse words and exposed genital-parts. Keep the young ones home.


P.S. I went to the 8:35 showing at the Hoffman AMC. To the A.D.D.-addled (sorry, to insult REAL folks afflicted with this) guy slumping in the left-most seat, in the front row...

The dayglo-light on your phone is not crack.
Your texts can wait until AFTER the movie OR you can take it outside.
The time is the same as when you checked it 5. SECONDS. AGO, YOU ASS.

Keep that shit closed and STOP BLINDING THE OTHER PATRONS.

...Yeah, I really need to finish up that annoying movie patron post.