TWILIGHT AND RACE

I had to take time to link this great piece on the role of POC's in the Twilight books and movie.

The moneymakers are getting it wrong, as usual.

TWILIGHT

It's Mormon porn, S&M Mormon porn. And that's exactly why this thing is blowing the roof off the box office, right now, quality of the final product be damned. It's safe sex for the bible kids ...and some of their parents too. Creepy nonsex, mind you, but that's just an extra level to the appeal. It's Kinks for Kids R'Us.

For those head-scratchers, who really are just WTF'ing all over this thing, here's the concept. An old virgin vampire in a hot boy's body really, really, wants to eat girl (see?! already with the obvious sex metaphor) because she smells magically delicious. Girl would gladly submit to the closest approximation of sex they can have, even if it means PAIN (yeah, vampire bites HURT BAD in this one) and death.

...Algolagnia, anyone? Well, apparently, $30 million+ worth, so far.

So, you can get past that concept and you still wanna see it, either for the LOL's or because you love being spanked. "How is it?", you ask.

Well, I thought Kristen Stewart looked like she was constipated or about to throw-up before most of her lines (check the scene after the finale, ESPECIALLY). Robert Pattinson, looked appropriately psycho. Both leads seemed to have some definite contempt for the characters.

There were long stretches of eye-rolling discomfort for me (JUST LIKE THE BOOK!), but there were also three or four light sitcom chuckles, courtesy of Daddy Swan and THE NDN's, as well.

I don't know. It wasn't awesomely bad enough to be bundles of fun to snark, too boring...But it wasn't solid two-star cable fair either. ...Well, maybe for Oxygen.

It was just this uniquely derivative thing, archetypes re-mixed for the WB crowd, via bad fan-fiction. This is book-to-movie marketing and targeted demographics 101.

If one good thing comes out of this, it's that perhaps filmmakers will FINALLY get the hint that if you hit the right spot with women (uh, that didn't sound right did it?), you can make a crapload of money. Start being a little more creative with the female-targeted films, producers!

...That and romantic -comedies almost universally SUCK.

TAKE A HINT HOLLYWOOD!

Although, if they didn't get it after Titanic...

I gotta say, I am most happy for Catherine Hardwicke, here. This movie is on the way to being the biggest grossing female-directed film ever.

I'm between this and this in my opinion of it, right now.

It's on the level of The Lost Boys without the depth/hotness of Keifer, nor the cleverly self-aware snarky-fun.

This film is too 'serious-business' even when they try to make jokes. And oh boy, the other teens don't realistically act like ANYBODY I've ever seen, forget teenagers. The circa' 1991 slang doesn't help.

PARENTS: Wow. This movie is sneaky. The finale especially has a lot of neat little questionable bits. SPOILERS...

Limbs are broken for amusement. A body is ripped to shreds and burned, while pretty people dance around the fire in celebration, and our heroine is saved and almost killed by one of the most obvious visual vampire metaphors for oral sex I've ever seen on film, O-face included.

...But all of that will likely escape your tween girls, so bring 'em! They'll love it.


P.S. For those of you who might think I'm being too generous in my comparison to The Lost Boys. Seriously, y'all are looking through nostalgia-tinged glasses. Remember, the greasy bare-chested guy playing the sax? Yes, it's awesome, awesomely bad, so don't trip.

20 years from now, people will be looking at Twilight through the same glasses. Heck, they already got the fandom pair on.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE

Okay, first off, Daniel Craig is a muthf*&a. The man walks, talks, lives, breathes, and sweats Bond. I could practically see the guy at home practicing the cool detached eye-squint in his bathroom mirror. He moves like a lynx in those tailored Gucci suits and THANK. YOU., Daniel Craig for working out. The body is kickin'.

BUT...

They need to give him more Bond-like stuff to do. Hello?...Where the Hot-Bond-sex at? And W.T.H. were the gadgets this time?! The super-size touch-screen was cool, but come on, now. James needs his own.

A friend of mine, who is a fan of the books has said this is closer to source, but dammit, I want MOVIE BOND. I LOVED Casino Royale, but lets not move so far away from Bond, in trying to be all new-century that we just have a Jason Bourne-clone, instead.

The Bond girls this time, were lovely, but that's it. Nowhere near the fierceness of Pussy Galore, MayDay, or even Vesper Lynd, y'all.

The movie itself could easily be tacked right on to Casino Royale. Bond is still brooding over Vesper, which means he's all about killing mofo's, left and right. This is cool. As you know, I love my action stars to kick ass and take names, BUT... the cuts, ya'll, the cuts.

The editing needed some work. Quick cuts are fine, but not too quick, Mr. Forster, come on. Give us a second or two to be able to really take in the action, and you're good. But I have to give him some credit. At least he didn't resort to the Bourne-vomit-cam.

The movie does drag at times and can be convoluted, but it was still very satisfying mostly because of my man, Craig. *ohyousofine, baby.* And the fonts were pretty snazzy too.

Full price.



PARENTS: It's PG-13 Bond. The violence is a bit more visceral, with less sex. Though, there is some almost sex-assault in this one.

P.S. I swear the villain could have been an all reptilian version of Manimal, with his facial expressions. Oh, and his side-kick?? Worst. Haircut. EVER.

P.P.S. O, HAI, Total Recall is on! :D

P.P.P.S. The new Star Trek trailer = FAIL.

ROLE MODELS

Of the two wide-release, six degrees of the Apatow comedies out right now, this is easily my favorite. It's funnier and the heart part of it tugged more authentically.

The hype machine pumping up Paul Rudd for an Oscar nod is a bit much (really, Christopher Mintz-Plasse should be getting more credit), but it's a sweet little movie. Some folks temper that compliment with "a lot of raunch" but really, in today's world can a few expletives and booby-references, really be that shocking to anyone? ...Seriously?

Shoot, when I was a young'un, there were boys who were ten-times that crude. Plus, Role Models gets an extra few points from me for the high-geek factor.

It did drag a bit in the end...Gah, when are people going to learn, bad singing does not equal funny or 'aww'-inducing? It equals eye-rolls and uncomfortable squirming. As was the case here.

Still, it wasn't enough to take the air out of this neat little film. It's a solid matinée, people.



PARENTS: Take the sophisticated kids and have something to talk about, afterwards. Leave the innocent home.

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

Ehh, it was alright.

It was neither as shocking as the marketers want you to believe, nor as funny.

It's like porn, in that it is a freak show. And I mean that in the carnival sense of the word not the crazy-sex sense of it. Ginormous teeth, bulbous earlobes, cock-eyed balloon boobs, freakishly Christopher Reeve-like voice....I was almost too weirded out by it all to laugh.

Still, it did meet "the five chuckle minimum", as a friend of mine calls the least amount of laughter for a comedy film to be worth seeing. Though, it says a lot that the side-kick black guy being funny for being the black guy got the most laughs from the audience, not the stars.

I'd wait for a rental, unless you're a Kevin Smith, Seth Rogan or Elizabeth Banks-fan.




PARENTS: Really. If you need me to tell you, just give your kids over to social services.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

This review is definitely spoiler-heavy. I couldn't critique this time without being more than oblique, y'all, sorry.

The above photo says it all.

Slumdog Millionaire is City of God + Serendipity. Now, if that sounds like an odd mix to you, well you're not alone because that was my problem with this film.

I just couldn't get with the abrupt switch in tone that went with that weird juxtaposition. It was survival in unflinching third-world poverty mixed with the bright shiny "everything's gonna be fine" outlook of a disney film. Still, it's not bad by any stretch.

In fact, it's quite good. The story pulled me in, completely. The cinematography was techni-color-trash gorgeous. It deserves to be seen by many people, on the big screen. But to be so good, so close to great, spoiled by the Spielburg-effect. ....*sigh* Let's just say, it bugs.

It was as if the "happy" was just tacked on to ease western audiences' guilt. To keep us happily basking in naive hope that folks like our starring characters might have a Disney-fate too; when we know, 3/4th's of the world really ain't.

And yet, I think the sunny-side could've even worked if the older leads had the talents of say, Amy Adams in Enchanted, but alas no... Unknowns, Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto did their best here, but ease in front of the camera only carries so far. It wasn't far enough to make me believe in them enough to forget the syrupiness.

Now, I must mention, there were quite a few wet faces and sniffly noses as I left the screening, tonight. And I heard quite a few people telling the poll-taker at the door, that they loved the film when they left. So, seriously, don't listen to me. I'm jaded.

See this movie. It ain't nowhere near City of God good in my book, but damn if a good chunk of it didn't give me the feeling it might be. It's the three-star surprise you happen to catch on cable, but wish you had seen in the theater.



PARENTS: Just because I mentioned there are a few light fluffy bits, (with a cameo by Justin Timberlake, I KID YOU NOT) that don't mean, 'bring the kids'.

Leave 'em home.

CHANGE

I am so incredibly grateful, relieved, and humbled by how far we've come.

THANK YOU, AMERICA. :)

OFF-TOPIC: VOTE!

I had this light fluffy post ready to go, but I feel this is more important.
I just have to thank the ladies over at AngryBlackWoman for posting this image:



The post is also a worthy read, folks.

Just for kicks, try juxtaposing that image with this old clip, from 00:53 on:





TUESDAY, PEOPLE!!

I'd link the Palin prank audio as well, but I'm sure you'll google, if it hasn't been forwarded your way yet.

Views on Zack and Miri and especially the Fall movie I'm most looking forward to Quantum of Solace are coming soon, people.