THE UNBORN

So, this isn't a proper review people, because I didn't stay for this thing. That's right, I walked the frack out. And no, I wasn't expecting an amazing film, nope, not even a good film.

...But I did hope it would be awesomely bad.

The Washington Post Express lied to me!!! It was just boring, not the stupid-funny, I thought it would be, people. I was actually getting sleepy, even with the chatty, PDA-heavy couple beside me *shudder*. I didn't even have the energy to be annoyed at them.

As the thing opens, you're just dumped into this random chick's life, without the benefit of an intro or knowing anything about her. She's just jogging and sees a blue glove, a kid, and a bulldog wearing a mask, prompting several aloud "WTF?"'s in the audience. But again, the audience doesn't even know who she is...

So, you're asking yourself, why should you even care?? Because she looks like a supermodel?

...That's the impression I got here.

Is it because she's the star and not her black friend (Megan Good get a new agent and stylist, STAT!) who actually has more acting clout? *-ding!-ding!-ding!*

...And so does Gary Oldman, Idris Elba, and Jane Alexander. What are they doing in this gawd-awful, B-movie?! And more importantly, who is Odette's agent? She lacks both charisma and acting chops, and yet....She's the star?

Oh, Hollywood producers, if you're looking for a new starlet, please find one who can actually act, pleasethanx. Or hire the ones you already know can *cough*Meganwasinthemovie*cough*.

The one notable positive about this horror movie is it's basis in Jewish spiritual mythology instead of the usual Christian one. That was refreshingly different. But everything else was stolen from far better fare including, The Ring, The Exorcist, and Prince of Darkness, to name a few.

If I'd had the endurance to stay through the whole thing, I could snark this thing better, but I apologize...I just couldn't take it.


It's just bad.


PARENTS: It's not-even-veiled T&A, with lame jump-scare attempts. Don't make your kids dumb. Leave 'em home.

P.S. This was the first time an usher actually stopped me from going into the theater with food, at Regal Gallery Place. I'm guessing he saw me sneak a fry on the way up. Good work?
Now, how about working on these people??

P.P.S. Okay, I have to speak a bit more about Megan, because the thought-process of this chick, is just wow. The girl can act. If you haven't seen Eve's Bayou, do pick it up. And she was also a stand-out in Brick, another worthy rental.

So...my question is this: WHY DOES SHE COMMIT CAREER SUICIDE BY STYLING HERSELF LIKE A BROKE-ASS, CARMEN ELECTRA??...And get this, all while claiming a deep Christian spiritual connection?



I'm just... Seriously, head-scratching at this conundrum.

P.P.S. The trailers included two horror remakes: Last House on the Left ("Hey! It's that guy from Ghost!") and Friday the 13th. ...And the good original horror movie drought, continues. Oh, how I miss you, 70's film-making.