May 24, 2009

TERMINATOR: SALVATION



If it's
not an R-rated movie directed by James Cameron, it ain't a Terminator movie.

I'll get straight to the point.

This movie is crap. It's so bad, I have angry flaily-hands about it, you guys. It's so bad, it should have been a direct to DVD release, because that's for sure, what it felt like.

First of all, Christian Bale is NOT the star, so do not be taken in by the bait-in-switch marketing they have going right now. Some random Aussie, Hollywood is trying to "make happen" is. That's Sam Worthington, who is BTW, the most uncharismatic actor on the planet.

So, why do I have such a seething hatred for this film?

Listen, guys. I'm a TERMINATOR fan from way back. And when I saw Christian Bale was going to be in this reboot, I actually got my hopes up. Say what you will about the anger-management issues (full of hilarity, I say), dude rarely makes straight-up bad movies. And this piece of crap is worse than NEWSIES.

It truly is something a poisoned triceratops might poop out.

I have a REAL problem with inconsistencies in the abilities of villains. If ONE terminator in the first movie is more frightening than ALL of the bots in this damn movie?! Something is wrong.

Someone please tell me why the same Terminator that punched clean through a guy just to get some clothes just randomly tosses John-friggin'-Connor around?!...the one guy they've been trying to kill for four frakkin' movies?!!

...And the movie was BOR-ING.

Newsflash:

Big explosions? Just aren't enough. There has to be a point. And if the point is STUPID...which it was... I. DON'T. CARE.

You know it's bad when you're wishing a kid would die, just for SOMETHING, ANYTHING interesting happening.

I blame McG because really... You have Christian Bale, Bryce Dallas Howard, Anton Yelchin (who actually looked and acted exactly like a young Kyle Reese, he's the only good part of this), and Helena Bonham Carter and they were wasted here. These talents, actually looked bad because McG didn't know what the heck he was doing.

Oh, and the plot. OH, THE PLOT. Cyberdyne Systems creates the protector, this time. ...ON PURPOSE. This is their ultimate plan. I kid you not.

Oh, the stupid. IT HURTS!!!

Please, PLEASE save your money.

Just like THE MATRIX, I'm just going to pretend the other movies don't exist.

...They only made 2 TERMINATOR movies, okay?! *cries*



Yeah, just go see STAR TREK, again.



P.S. AND WTF @ The random INDN WARPAINT?!! ...Had Moon Bloodgood looking like a broke-ass Pris, from BLADERUNNER...

Hollywood? Just so you know... Adding random primitive "ethnic"-looking accoutrements to MODERN minorities IS STUPID. Might as well have put a bone in Sam L.'s nose in PULP FICTION or blue warpaint on Colin Ferrell in MINORITY REPORT.

16 comments:

  1. tragical_mirth3:04 PM

    I blame Bryce Dallas Howard.
    Never seen her in a movie that wasn't awful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @tragical

    Holy crap, you're right! And I honestly think she's a decent actor. She's just jinxed or something.

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  3. wow... so I take it you didn't really care for the movie...

    I am probably still catch this one, but I do not have high hopes at all.

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  4. @Rick

    *sigh* I did my part. I did warn you.
    I was a millisecond from walking out on it.

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  5. I think you're being way too hard on it. No, it's not perfect, but the action was perfectly fine. Anton Yelchin did a helluva job making me believe he could ever be Kyle Reese. And even though the plot is deli thin, it was a set up movie, and the next two installments should springboard nicely off of this one. Just have some fun with it!

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  6. @Trav

    Look man, I respect that you enjoyed it more than me. Believe me, I envy you.

    It sucks wasting your money on a flick you hate, but I was BORED SILLY by the so-called "action scenes".

    If I don't care about the characters, if the action makes no sense in the context of this or past films, I'm not gonna like it, period.

    I can't just decide to "have fun" with an aybssmal movie...Unless, I go in knowing it is already.

    ...Besides, I thought that Jurassic Park picture was fun, no?

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  7. You are absolutely right. I caught the 10:45 showing on Sunday night and fell asleep during parts. I judged the movie OK since maybe I missed good parts. But reading what you wrote tells me I didn't miss anything.

    Yelchin - right on. He was a good Kyle. Bale - right on again. Worthington was the "star" and that was not the right move.

    I've only seen T2 in the past. So I thought maybe I needed to know the whole story to appreciate this one. Now I wish T: the Sarah Connor Chronicles on Fox was not cancelled. It appears that was the better vehicle for the story and so much better than this movie.

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  8. @BigMoney

    The Terminator and T2 are the only ones you need to see, IMO.

    Sarah Connor Chronicles wasn't my bag, but it was alright. I think the franchise is pretty much dead, now, thanks to this crap-pile.

    I'm really looking forward to James Cameron's Avatar, though. :)

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  9. Lynx_the_one6:14 PM

    Maybe it was because I hadn't seen any other of the terminator movies (I went with my brother, who had seen all of them, and I know some vague plot details) but I thought it was decent. No where near as good as Star Trek, or a lot of other movies, but it was pretty good, popcorn munching fun to me.

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  10. Thanks for warning me away from this one. I was kinda wanting to go see it. Maybe I'll get the DVD when it comes out next week (or so).

    "It truly is something a poisoned triceratops might poop out" has to be one of the best movie lines EVER. You rock!

    *smooches*

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  11. What'd you expect from the director of Charlie's Angels and the writers of Catwoman? Hey, don't sweat it, I fell for the hype too. The thought of Christian Bale playing a post-Judgment Day John Connor got me excited too.

    But, sadly, it wasn't to be. This film has so many problems I couldn't even fit them all into my own review. Easily one of the worst films of the year.

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  12. i love how they got creative with some of the robots, no so sure about the human performances though

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  13. Anonymous2:27 PM

    I'm glad I read your review first, because I went in with really low expectations and ended up liking it as a result.

    I wasn't upset about Worthington being the star, because I knew it was coming, and the rest of it was just fun action movie stuff. I don't think the idea of Cyberdyne creating the protector was so bad either; it did work, didn't it? They got Kyle and Connor and could have killed them if Fake-Arnold hadn't taken his time about it (which didn't offend me because they obviously needed their final fight scene).

    Oh and I think all the other robots were so easy to destroy because they were precursors to the T-800, which was practically indestructible. That's why John was so freaked out when he saw it.

    The only bad thing was I actually liked Worthington WAY more than Christian Bale. I guess you could call that the irony of a robot being more human than the human, but it just made me wish this was a non-Terminator movie so it could completely focus on the only interesting character.

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  14. @lynx

    No, you're not the only one. :) I have a friend on facebook spamming me, because I said the movie was crap and he likes it.

    Just make a note of our different tastes and adjust your movie judgments accordingly, I say.


    @vuboq

    *hugs* I just realized I need to add you and a few other people to blog roll. :P So... doing that.


    @Eric

    I know right? I heard was blinded the by the banging NIN playing during the trailer, and the Bale Batman voice, I'm afraid.


    @Nomad

    Too bad those robots were so easily dispatchable, though.

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  15. @Anonymous

    I'm glad, I helped. :)

    As for Worthington, well, you'll get to see him again soon, he's playing Perseus in the Clash of the Titans remake, which will either be INCREDIBLY AWESOME or GOBSMACKINGLY AWFUL, I think.

    Ehh, you may have a point about the older models, but that final fight scene just pissed me off so much with all the cliched "throw your enemy around instead of breaking their necks" lazy fight choreography.

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  16. tragical_mirth10:29 PM

    Finally saw this. Didn't find it as offensive as everyone else seems to - a week of dimmed expectations helped. (Except when any female character was on screen - the kid included. ESPECIALLY the kid (what, did she not have a tongue?).) Sam Worthington was pretty. The plot made no sense. The action scenes were boring. But that's pretty par for the course for most action movies.

    I really liked the *idea* of Sam Worthington's character, but I still have no idea what Helena Bonham Carter as Ms. Exposition was trying to say.

    It did add some Horrible Cheesy Action Movie Lines to the list, though. "So that's what death tastes like." I lol'ed. For real.

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As always, I appreciate all comments whether you agree or disagree. Just do not be vague, spammalicious, or disrespectful.

Trolling will get you deleted.

Thanks. :)